Pandora

I always write late at night on the evening of something important when I should probably be meditating and doing Yoga so I can sleep.  I am not.  I am up, manic, dying to know what will come next.  We never know do we?  It is the difficulty of settling into that mystery that I face everyday.  My life was planned out to the day I graduated from Lipscomb University.  And then I realized I was different...and then different unpredictable things started happening and I can't even see what will happen tomorrow.  I used to know exactly what conversations I would have, what I would study, and what I would feel.  Tomorrow...will I suddenly be meeting someone from New Zealand?  The day after that will I suddenly be babysitting a pitbull and making sure elementary school supplies aren't used for the psychology graduate department bulletin boards?  Maybe...or maybe after that I'll see the one...again...or meet a new friend in East Nashville, someone who resonates with my soul but who I'm not sure how to meet ever again.  Maybe tomorrow I'll cook the meal of my dreams...or...maybe the day after that...or maybe the day after that...Hmmmmm...Maybe then I'll find myself in Europe working on a brilliant study with my most cherished friends breaking ground on the connection between religion and psychology and how we can change the fundamentalistic rut which keeps us bound to guilt and pain.  Maybe tomorrow I will change the world.  Maybe...if tonight I can fall asleep. 
     Tonight at church a beautiful soul talked about happiness.  Happy are the meek, happy are the humble...they will inherit the earth.  That is what I want.  I want the earth.  I don't want to be in charge of it, but I want to be forever connected, a part of this masterpiece of God's creativity and love.   This element which is part of my soul.  Am I happy?  I hope to be.  I hope to embrace that mystery as well.



The mystery of this new autumn night breathes in my heart
I am a satellite in an October sky drifting toward the stars
Leave swirl around me begging to be touched
Maybe I am the one who longs to be embraced
I dance to Mr. Jones and ponder instrumental pieces
When I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure...that will be the day

Lists

I should make lists for tomorrow.  Lists of things I need to get to be ready for Cole's wedding...lists of things I need to do besides my assistantship and project tomorrow...lists of things I want to rant about here but am not going to.  Instead I'm going to make a list of all the good things in my life.

Amazing Friends (I will never get enough of these wonderful people. You remind me of who I am)
An Assistantship!  (I am blessed beyond belief!  Not many people get half off tuition and trusted with important projects.)

A Computer (Five days without this guy and I've been going crazy!)
A Job (I know it's exhausting and a lot of work...but it's a good job. The people I work for love me, give me pastries and cupcakes, don't judge me when I eat gross food, and pay me well.)
Family (As much as we don't get along or understand one another, they're there for me)
Adventure (Yes...life is incredibly trying and boring right now...but I have had adventures beyond anything I ever expected.  I've done what I've dreamed of doing which means I'll do it again.  That is such a wonderful thing to know.)
Direction (I am heading in the direction of where I want to go.  I am embarking on a journey to lead to better understanding of mankind.  I am out of my mind.  I can't believe I am finally starting.)
I have food, I have hot water, I have wonderful roommates, I have a roof over my head and room to call my own.  I am so happy.  I am so blessed.  I have new friends and old friends.  I have undiscovered friends, and someone to think about when I go to bed at night.  I have things to cry about, things to laugh about.  I have things to get angry about!  I have so many things!  My life changes and moves!  My life lives!  Spirit flows through me and I am human.  I am in awe. 

Gibbous moon, oh unromantic night
One month anniversaries
True love is always right
It lasts, it flees, it melts away with the tide
Just as seasons change, always so will I
I mean, I want, I wish, and plan
Never is it so inspiring
That unexpected hand
Clutching tight my elbow
My heart waking up the house

Pouring

The great Lu-Tze once said, "Is it not written that when it rains it pours?" It has been pouring non-stop.  I met a sweet and amazing guy, I alienated a friend, I confessed to 5 people, I received an assistantship at graduate school, I heard from my traveling German ex-boyfriend after a month, I'm getting to see old friends again, I have time to breathe before working non-stop the rest of the year.  I am awash in emotion.  I wish I could think of one thing at once, I wish I could feel one thing at a time.  Or maybe I want things to happen, to be right this time.  Would it be easier to have gotten married right out of college like I didn't want to?  Would it be easier to have the American dream with a house in suburbs three children and two dogs?  Is it easier to be what you should be rather than you want to be?  No...it's pretending.  I am who I am.  I want peace and justice in the world.  I want to see and know the world.  I want to make things happen to make things better.  I want to build lasting relationships that will see the other side of life.  I know they will I know they have to.  How can they not last that long? Plans are not life.  Life is what happens right now. 

It's easy to think of peace looking at a mountain
It's easy to think of history looking at the sky
Is it better to jump in the fountain
Or follow the words on the sign?

Lost Art

I decided to start my blog in a rather unremarkable time in my life.  This past year has been extraordinary.  I lived with my best friend and roommate, Irina.  I drove to Iowa to have adventures in the most beautiful and unlikely places.  I surfed couches, I saw puffins, I started a job, I got into graduate schools, I met the love of my life, I lost the love of my life, I found imperfect love, I lost my best friend to immigration laws,  I went to Ukraine, I almost drowned in a lake, I kissed in a cenote, and I wandered to Trader Joes listening to Third Eye Blind demanding that my spirit fly to the stars and make the world balance perfectly.  Not all but most of those things are gone now.  Irina will go to graduate school in London, my other best friend and soulmate Hannah will be in Chicago.  I will be here trying to get through graduate school to do what I'm dying to do without going crazy waiting to do it, waiting to live where I want to live, be with the people I want to be with, and beginning a new adventure.  At the cusp of loosing my most recent body of artwork to yet another Lipscomb Art Department purging.  I've decided to look it in the eye and say for not the first or last time, I will start over again.  It will be better this time and I will make things happen.  Life starts over whenever we want it to.  Today it starts over.