Everything is looming, everything is dooming, and all I can do is cower and fear that what I want so much will never be mine. That I will enter into the next hardest job of my life and ruin another's while I'm at it. I pray and grovel, but I feel so selfish, begging and sitting still, crying out while drinking champaign. What have I to offer, what have I to give? True honesty, or a life that flies by my face at the speed of light so I taste only drops when I'm not thinking about unimportant things. But America doesn't let you think of unimportant things for long, unless it's the new Harry Potter movie, or the next 5 episodes of Arrested Development. Or maybe it's even a new book, a never friend, or 6 pages of sudoku. What do I do with my time?! I know I have so much, and yet I sit and wallow and waste! How do I not move, how do I not shake? How is this power sinking from my grasp! I will return to Europe just as depressed as I left it, panicking in my foolishness yet again. Only God can save me now, only he can take me by the hand and say, "Maia, I will put on your shoes for you...since we don't have time for you to figure out how to put them on yourself." And I will understand and in my heart, I don't want to be independent from these hands, I don't want to be an adult, forging ahead without a hand to hold. I want him there, to pick out my shoes and lead me to the door to go out into the world. Please hold my hand. Please take me out into the world. Please, please help me with my shoes.
~love, Erin
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